I found this gem right herehttp://anahata.typepad.com/my_weblog
Sunday, November 2, 2008
In the middle
As you may know (I've probably mentioned it at least 10 times on this blog and at least once each day) I was in a few weddings this summer. It has been wonderful and fun (I may have actually enjoyed dancing), but at times really awkward. There are a series of questions I get asked at events like this that make me wish I could orchestrate great stories so the real answers feel less painful.
Here are some examples:
"So do you have a boyfriend?"
What I am thinking: "none of your damn business "
What I say: "no not right now"
"So when is it your turn?"
What I am thinking: "I wasn't aware that there was a line. Maybe I just forgot to hop in the 'please marry me' line"
What I say: "Oh I don't know (insert awkward smile trying to make that question less painful)."
"Are you just not into dating right now?"
What I am thinking: "No, I have not been 'into dating' for 23 years'. Of course I am into dating, but it just hasn't been that easy and how the hell do you expect me to answer that question without being inappropriately vulnerable"
What I say: "Well, I am open to it, its just not the most important thing to me"
This all feels like a complicated dance to not be too vulnerable, too sad, or appear to have desperate written across all of my face.
I was talking to my therapist about this awkward line to walk. I don't want to appear like I need to be married for my life to be whole but I also don't want to pretend like I don't want to be with someone right now. My therapist asked me why I can't be somewhere in the middle? I feel like I am in the middle, but I don't know how to express that and I don't think I have had a lot of examples of how to comfortably be in between both of those places.
So, here I am, trying to live in the middle. I have a job that feels important, I am working on figuring out what it means for me to be a Christian, on most days I feel pretty whole and I think these are things I would like to share with someone in the near future.
Here are some examples:
"So do you have a boyfriend?"
What I am thinking: "none of your damn business "
What I say: "no not right now"
"So when is it your turn?"
What I am thinking: "I wasn't aware that there was a line. Maybe I just forgot to hop in the 'please marry me' line"
What I say: "Oh I don't know (insert awkward smile trying to make that question less painful)."
"Are you just not into dating right now?"
What I am thinking: "No, I have not been 'into dating' for 23 years'. Of course I am into dating, but it just hasn't been that easy and how the hell do you expect me to answer that question without being inappropriately vulnerable"
What I say: "Well, I am open to it, its just not the most important thing to me"
This all feels like a complicated dance to not be too vulnerable, too sad, or appear to have desperate written across all of my face.
I was talking to my therapist about this awkward line to walk. I don't want to appear like I need to be married for my life to be whole but I also don't want to pretend like I don't want to be with someone right now. My therapist asked me why I can't be somewhere in the middle? I feel like I am in the middle, but I don't know how to express that and I don't think I have had a lot of examples of how to comfortably be in between both of those places.
So, here I am, trying to live in the middle. I have a job that feels important, I am working on figuring out what it means for me to be a Christian, on most days I feel pretty whole and I think these are things I would like to share with someone in the near future.
Monday, October 20, 2008
I couldn't resist
I know it is no shock to anyone that I am not a huge Palin fan. I thought that this video was rather poignant. I will just say that just because Sarah Palin is a woman does not mean that she is a feminist. Having a woman in power does not necessarily mean that she doesn't buy into patriarchal ideas.
# 10
Yes my friends, it is true, wedding #10 of me being a bridesmaid has come and gone. It was wonderful for a lot of reasons, but I may just start with one of them. This reason may also explain my blogging absence.
I have wonderful friends. They know how to listen, how to ask questions, how to lovingly tell me that I am taking myself way too seriously. I feel known when I am with these women. It has been a joy to see them make commitments to loving partners and to see some of them leave Seattle and others leave the country.
All of this change has left me feeling a bit lonely. I haven't blogged in a while because I don't want this to be a place where I am awkwardly vulnerable. I sort of have this idea that that should happen with people before I write it on the internet.
At this last wedding I had the chance to reconnect with a group of women that I love dearly. They have watched me go through many different stages of becoming who I am and they have always been loving and faithful. I needed to share the sadness of not being with them as much as I want before I could share it here.
This weekend was rejuvenating and reminded me that sometimes we just have to say how we are feeling before we can expect people to care for us in the ways we need to be cared for. This doesn't mean things are instantly perfect. I am still sad occasionally and I am working on adjusting to big kid life. I might be better at sharing those things (and maybe some useless funny things) here, but not before I first share with those who care for me.
I have wonderful friends. They know how to listen, how to ask questions, how to lovingly tell me that I am taking myself way too seriously. I feel known when I am with these women. It has been a joy to see them make commitments to loving partners and to see some of them leave Seattle and others leave the country.
All of this change has left me feeling a bit lonely. I haven't blogged in a while because I don't want this to be a place where I am awkwardly vulnerable. I sort of have this idea that that should happen with people before I write it on the internet.
At this last wedding I had the chance to reconnect with a group of women that I love dearly. They have watched me go through many different stages of becoming who I am and they have always been loving and faithful. I needed to share the sadness of not being with them as much as I want before I could share it here.
This weekend was rejuvenating and reminded me that sometimes we just have to say how we are feeling before we can expect people to care for us in the ways we need to be cared for. This doesn't mean things are instantly perfect. I am still sad occasionally and I am working on adjusting to big kid life. I might be better at sharing those things (and maybe some useless funny things) here, but not before I first share with those who care for me.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
My mom the wineo
Conversation that took place this evening with my mom, post just enough wine for her to be a bit funny
Me: Hey mom can we go skinny dipping tonight? Will you or the neighbors see?
Mom: No I checked it out
Me: Oh you went to all the neighbor's houses to check and see if they have a view of the pool?
Mom: ignores comment
Mom: You can go take those noodles and straddle one and put one around you and just float.
Laurieann: I don't think I want to use one of those noodles, I don't know where they've been
Mom: No, they're not gooey
Me: Uncontrollable laughter
Welcome to my life. If anyone is interested in making a movie of this madness just let me know :)
Me: Hey mom can we go skinny dipping tonight? Will you or the neighbors see?
Mom: No I checked it out
Me: Oh you went to all the neighbor's houses to check and see if they have a view of the pool?
Mom: ignores comment
Mom: You can go take those noodles and straddle one and put one around you and just float.
Laurieann: I don't think I want to use one of those noodles, I don't know where they've been
Mom: No, they're not gooey
Me: Uncontrollable laughter
Welcome to my life. If anyone is interested in making a movie of this madness just let me know :)
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The J-O-B
Here are the details about the actual job I have (well I will officially have it once my background check is complete).
I will be working with the Victim Support Team (VST) at the Seattle Police Department. The VST is a civilian team that responds with the police to a domestic violence call. The VST is called by the police once the scene has been secured. We are there to offer resources and help safety plan. My job comes in after the weekend when we are sort of a bridge between the DV survivor and the SPD. Apparently it is called system based advocacy.
Another part of the job will be my time with the JustServe team. I think there are about thirty of us and we will have a week of training before our jobs start and then we will meet on Fridays after that to discuss things. We will be discussing issues of violence and racism and how to address the pipeline that sends a disproportionate amount of youth of color into the prison system. This will be an interesting dynamic because my site is the only DV site.
Anyways, those are the details :)
I will be working with the Victim Support Team (VST) at the Seattle Police Department. The VST is a civilian team that responds with the police to a domestic violence call. The VST is called by the police once the scene has been secured. We are there to offer resources and help safety plan. My job comes in after the weekend when we are sort of a bridge between the DV survivor and the SPD. Apparently it is called system based advocacy.
Another part of the job will be my time with the JustServe team. I think there are about thirty of us and we will have a week of training before our jobs start and then we will meet on Fridays after that to discuss things. We will be discussing issues of violence and racism and how to address the pipeline that sends a disproportionate amount of youth of color into the prison system. This will be an interesting dynamic because my site is the only DV site.
Anyways, those are the details :)
Thursday, July 24, 2008
. . . And We're Back
I am sorry for the long absence my beloved fans. Life here in 'just graduated from college and don't really have a lot going on land' has been pretty rough. My first excuse is that I was pretty busy sitting on the couch thinking about leaving the house for about a week. My second excuse is that the week before I left to help Ms. McK with her wedding I decided to cram FIVE interviews into one week. That my friends is the subject of this new post.
. . .
So, I have a job. It's a pretty big deal. Allow me to share with you the process leading up to this joy.
After graduation I saw a job posting on the El Centro de la Raza website. The job looked real sweet, but it was only offered through AmeriCorps. AmeriCorps is basically the domestic version of the PeaceCorps. This is also code for 'work really hard in a really challenging environment and live on $1,000 a month'. My particular team within AmeriCorps is called 'JustServe' and has an anti violence/ undoing racism focus.
Anyways, let me spare you the boring details and get to the part where I get the job. I filled out an application, went in for an interview with the AmeriCorps people, it was stellar, they gave the number of four different sites where they think I should interview, I called them and had three interview on Thursday and one on Friday.
Let me start off by saying 'never, ever, ever have three interviews in one day'. By the end of the day I sounded like a stupid girl with little depth because my brain could just not function anymore to create cohesive thoughts.
The part that was challenging about these interviews is that most of them were in situations where I would be working youth of color and at risk youth. The fact that I am a white female makes a difference in these situations and the people interviewing me wanted to see if I got that. Some people addressed it directly others asked me awkward questions trying to ignore the elephant in the room. It was hard to walk the fine line of expressing that I understood that white privilige is real and that it might affect my ability to be effective in the role and trying to not sound defensive. It was exhausting to realize that while I may seem to 'get it' in my mostly white SPU world, there is a lot I still have to learn in the real world.
I realized that this is probably reality for people of color who feel they are constantly trying to fight stereotypes that most people don't even realize they hold.
I think I might stop here and share with you a little video from illdoctrine (I have a little crushy crush on this man)
. . .
So, I have a job. It's a pretty big deal. Allow me to share with you the process leading up to this joy.
After graduation I saw a job posting on the El Centro de la Raza website. The job looked real sweet, but it was only offered through AmeriCorps. AmeriCorps is basically the domestic version of the PeaceCorps. This is also code for 'work really hard in a really challenging environment and live on $1,000 a month'. My particular team within AmeriCorps is called 'JustServe' and has an anti violence/ undoing racism focus.
Anyways, let me spare you the boring details and get to the part where I get the job. I filled out an application, went in for an interview with the AmeriCorps people, it was stellar, they gave the number of four different sites where they think I should interview, I called them and had three interview on Thursday and one on Friday.
Let me start off by saying 'never, ever, ever have three interviews in one day'. By the end of the day I sounded like a stupid girl with little depth because my brain could just not function anymore to create cohesive thoughts.
The part that was challenging about these interviews is that most of them were in situations where I would be working youth of color and at risk youth. The fact that I am a white female makes a difference in these situations and the people interviewing me wanted to see if I got that. Some people addressed it directly others asked me awkward questions trying to ignore the elephant in the room. It was hard to walk the fine line of expressing that I understood that white privilige is real and that it might affect my ability to be effective in the role and trying to not sound defensive. It was exhausting to realize that while I may seem to 'get it' in my mostly white SPU world, there is a lot I still have to learn in the real world.
I realized that this is probably reality for people of color who feel they are constantly trying to fight stereotypes that most people don't even realize they hold.
I think I might stop here and share with you a little video from illdoctrine (I have a little crushy crush on this man)
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